Most award shows usually begin with the host giving an opening monologue. Though the Tony Awards usually begins with an opening number that may or may not feature the host. I am planning to shine a light on previous opening numbers soon, but for now, I'd like to imagine what would an opening monologue look like for this year's Tonys.
I know there are some people who'd get angry at the host for getting political, and there are others who'd be disappointed that the host didn't get political. Always a 'you win some, you lose some' situation. So I did my best to come up with an opening monologue that should satisfy both of those groups. If you don't get at least one of my jokes, I'v provided links to what I was referring to. And for the record, when I came up with these so called 'political statements', I was only trying to be funny.
I know there are some people who'd get angry at the host for getting political, and there are others who'd be disappointed that the host didn't get political. Always a 'you win some, you lose some' situation. So I did my best to come up with an opening monologue that should satisfy both of those groups. If you don't get at least one of my jokes, I'v provided links to what I was referring to. And for the record, when I came up with these so called 'political statements', I was only trying to be funny.
“Good evening, ladies & gentlemen! Welcome to the 72nd annual Tony Awards! The one night of the year where we celebrate the extraordinary achievements of the Broadway season. For the record, I’m not going to spend all night making political statements. That’s up for the winners to do, not me. I may pop up a joke here or there, but this is the Tony Awards, not a soap box. If you at home don’t like what we have to say, don’t change the channel, just mute your TV.
However, I would like to start by giving somewhat of a shout-out to ‘He who must not be named’. And no, it’s not Lord Voldemort, it’s actually last year’s host. Although he was the fifteenth choice, he really did pour a lot of hard work into the job. Though given what’s going on in his personal life right now, he’s pretty much been moved way down to the bottom of the list, indefinitely. In fact, we actually just received a postcard from him in rehab. Here's what it says:
"Dear Tony Awards,
I had such a great time hosting last year. I would've loved to have come back for another round, but since there are some inappropriate parts of me that I just can't control" or so he says, "I'll pretty much be spending this year hosting a viewing party with my new roommates, Bill Cosby and Harvey Weinstein. Break a leg to everyone involved!
Sincerely, Me
P.S.
Please say hi to my old friend, Anthony Rapp for me."
Oh, and remember that duet he shared with Patti LuPone at the end of last year’s show? I’m sure once the bad news about him broke, the first thing Patti probably said was “Holy crap! I sang with a monster!” As for this year, I was actually the second choice to host, only behind Christopher Plummer. It would’ve been real easy for him to open the show with “The Hills are Alive with a Sound of Music...” Robin Wright was thought about briefly, but she's already busy enough taking over for 'You know who' as President of the United States.
So let’s spend tonight forgetting all about the #MeToo movement, and turn our attention to the three nominees for Best Revival of a Musical. Carousel, which tells the story of a man who must redeem himself after beating his wife. Jessie Mueller stars in the production as a young woman who gets pregnant by her abusive husband. Mueller has definitely proven to be such a versatile performer. Before this, she starred in Waitress as a young woman who gets pregnant by her abusive husband. And before that, she played Carole King, a young woman who gets pregnant by her abusive husband.
There's also My Fair Lady, which tells the story of a man controlling a woman to be exactly who he wants her to be. The production stars Lauren Ambrose, who where has she been? She’s gone from being the only daughter of the Fisher family in Six Feet Under to almost starring in Funny Girl, now she’s been selling flowers in Covent Garden. Then, there’s Once on This Island, which tells the story of a peasant girl who risks everything for love, regardless of who the man may be.
As for the four nominees for Best Musical, there’s The Band’s Visit, a musical starring Mr. Monk himself, Tony Shalhoub. Interestingly enough, even though he’s the male lead, he also has a very small singing part, something I’m sure we all wish Pierce Brosnan had in Mamma Mia!. Then there’s Frozen, Disney’s latest live stage adaptation of one of their animated films following in the footsteps of Beauty & the Beast, The Lion King, The Little Mermaid, and Aladdin. Next thing you know, we’ll probably get a live action remake that hopefully doesn’t feel like a copy of the original that’ll still make a billion dollars anyway.
Mean Girls, a new musical that just so happens to have been spearheaded by a nice lady. SpongeBob SquarePants, a new musical that couldn’t decide on which songwriter should do the score, so they had a bunch of them contribute different songs. The message I have for all of this year's nominated musical productions, win or lose, it’s just an honor that Harry Potter wasn’t nominated.
As for the other performances nominated this year, there’s Nathan Lane, who’s back on Broadway, only this time, he’s traded in Matthew Broderick for Andrew Garfield, now they’re both starring in Angels in America, dying of AIDS. No wonder Garfield had to give up being Spider-Man. There’s Lauren Ridloff, nominated for her performance in Children of a Lesser God, a play about people who can’t hear that nobody saw. Then, there's Mark Rylance, who as he was crossing the Bridge of Spies to Broadway this past season, his wife asked if he could star in her play, Farinelli & the King, and he pretty much responded “Would it help?”.
So let’s get on with the show, shall we? Before we do, please keep your cell phones off at all times, unless you want Patti LuPone to snatch them away from you."
However, I would like to start by giving somewhat of a shout-out to ‘He who must not be named’. And no, it’s not Lord Voldemort, it’s actually last year’s host. Although he was the fifteenth choice, he really did pour a lot of hard work into the job. Though given what’s going on in his personal life right now, he’s pretty much been moved way down to the bottom of the list, indefinitely. In fact, we actually just received a postcard from him in rehab. Here's what it says:
"Dear Tony Awards,
I had such a great time hosting last year. I would've loved to have come back for another round, but since there are some inappropriate parts of me that I just can't control" or so he says, "I'll pretty much be spending this year hosting a viewing party with my new roommates, Bill Cosby and Harvey Weinstein. Break a leg to everyone involved!
Sincerely, Me
P.S.
Please say hi to my old friend, Anthony Rapp for me."
Oh, and remember that duet he shared with Patti LuPone at the end of last year’s show? I’m sure once the bad news about him broke, the first thing Patti probably said was “Holy crap! I sang with a monster!” As for this year, I was actually the second choice to host, only behind Christopher Plummer. It would’ve been real easy for him to open the show with “The Hills are Alive with a Sound of Music...” Robin Wright was thought about briefly, but she's already busy enough taking over for 'You know who' as President of the United States.
So let’s spend tonight forgetting all about the #MeToo movement, and turn our attention to the three nominees for Best Revival of a Musical. Carousel, which tells the story of a man who must redeem himself after beating his wife. Jessie Mueller stars in the production as a young woman who gets pregnant by her abusive husband. Mueller has definitely proven to be such a versatile performer. Before this, she starred in Waitress as a young woman who gets pregnant by her abusive husband. And before that, she played Carole King, a young woman who gets pregnant by her abusive husband.
There's also My Fair Lady, which tells the story of a man controlling a woman to be exactly who he wants her to be. The production stars Lauren Ambrose, who where has she been? She’s gone from being the only daughter of the Fisher family in Six Feet Under to almost starring in Funny Girl, now she’s been selling flowers in Covent Garden. Then, there’s Once on This Island, which tells the story of a peasant girl who risks everything for love, regardless of who the man may be.
As for the four nominees for Best Musical, there’s The Band’s Visit, a musical starring Mr. Monk himself, Tony Shalhoub. Interestingly enough, even though he’s the male lead, he also has a very small singing part, something I’m sure we all wish Pierce Brosnan had in Mamma Mia!. Then there’s Frozen, Disney’s latest live stage adaptation of one of their animated films following in the footsteps of Beauty & the Beast, The Lion King, The Little Mermaid, and Aladdin. Next thing you know, we’ll probably get a live action remake that hopefully doesn’t feel like a copy of the original that’ll still make a billion dollars anyway.
Mean Girls, a new musical that just so happens to have been spearheaded by a nice lady. SpongeBob SquarePants, a new musical that couldn’t decide on which songwriter should do the score, so they had a bunch of them contribute different songs. The message I have for all of this year's nominated musical productions, win or lose, it’s just an honor that Harry Potter wasn’t nominated.
As for the other performances nominated this year, there’s Nathan Lane, who’s back on Broadway, only this time, he’s traded in Matthew Broderick for Andrew Garfield, now they’re both starring in Angels in America, dying of AIDS. No wonder Garfield had to give up being Spider-Man. There’s Lauren Ridloff, nominated for her performance in Children of a Lesser God, a play about people who can’t hear that nobody saw. Then, there's Mark Rylance, who as he was crossing the Bridge of Spies to Broadway this past season, his wife asked if he could star in her play, Farinelli & the King, and he pretty much responded “Would it help?”.
So let’s get on with the show, shall we? Before we do, please keep your cell phones off at all times, unless you want Patti LuPone to snatch them away from you."